Nein, danke, ich rauche nicht.

"No thanks, I don't smoke."

Here we are. Day 4. I have not had a cigarette since Monday. Enter mixed feelings.

Cigarettes and I have had a varied, yet long-term relationship. It all started when I was 17. Then, for two years, I didn't touch them (thanks Family School). Then, I started dabbling. Dabbling became a constant habit when I was 20; years of half-a-pack ensued. Then, depending on the circumstance, I'd quit, then start, then stop, then smoke when I drank, then not at all during the week while I worked, etc. Madness...and the inevitable shortness of breath when I walked up any flight of stairs. Regardless of the duration or situation, cigarettes have certainly been a friend, whether they've helped to relieve anxiety, given me an excuse to step out of an awkward situation, make me feel like I fit in better, or to make me look really sexy. I'm sorry, I can't help it--for whatever reason, I still think smoking is sexy. 

But unfortunately, a 26 year old who feels somewhat incapable of regular exercise by her lung capacity (um, and smoking never aids a person who has a million-and-one allergies to begin with) is definitely NOT a sexy smoker. How active I want to be in life is what fuels me to keep my resolve.  

So here's what's been happening. The first two days, I was plagued by both physical and emotional symptoms; the physical being that my nose wouldn't stop dripping, my head felt like it was on the verge of explosion, and my eye sockets were heavy with ache. Emotionally, there were moments throughout my day that having a cigarette seemed appropriate, but I was able to dismiss them fairly quickly with the justification of my physical misery. However, on Day 4, the physical symptoms are starting to disappear, so what aided my resolve is no longer in my way of the mental craving. Uh oh. This is what makes me nervous. I don't want to have a cigarette just because I've started to feel better. It's funny, but feeling better is almost decent enough justification to feel worse again. Wellllll, this is clearly a contradiction, and I'd rather feel better altogether (although it will be a somewhat new feeling), so I'll need to heighten my resolve by introducing new reasons to feel good! One of them is being able to keep my breath at the gym, which I have recently joined. This is important, since I plan to look ridiculously good looking in my wedding dress in September!

So please, keep me in your thoughts. Please send good vibes through the air that I may continually choose fresh air instead of the old, stale alternative. 

And for those of you waiting for my review/thoughts on Sachsenhausen, please be patient. After my experience there on Wednesday, I still need time to process. What I will eventually share with you was so powerful for me, so I hope you will consider it worth the wait.

Schönes Wochenende! (Have a great weekend!)