Nein, danke, ich rauche nicht.

"No thanks, I don't smoke."

Here we are. Day 4. I have not had a cigarette since Monday. Enter mixed feelings.

Cigarettes and I have had a varied, yet long-term relationship. It all started when I was 17. Then, for two years, I didn't touch them (thanks Family School). Then, I started dabbling. Dabbling became a constant habit when I was 20; years of half-a-pack ensued. Then, depending on the circumstance, I'd quit, then start, then stop, then smoke when I drank, then not at all during the week while I worked, etc. Madness...and the inevitable shortness of breath when I walked up any flight of stairs. Regardless of the duration or situation, cigarettes have certainly been a friend, whether they've helped to relieve anxiety, given me an excuse to step out of an awkward situation, make me feel like I fit in better, or to make me look really sexy. I'm sorry, I can't help it--for whatever reason, I still think smoking is sexy. 

But unfortunately, a 26 year old who feels somewhat incapable of regular exercise by her lung capacity (um, and smoking never aids a person who has a million-and-one allergies to begin with) is definitely NOT a sexy smoker. How active I want to be in life is what fuels me to keep my resolve.  

So here's what's been happening. The first two days, I was plagued by both physical and emotional symptoms; the physical being that my nose wouldn't stop dripping, my head felt like it was on the verge of explosion, and my eye sockets were heavy with ache. Emotionally, there were moments throughout my day that having a cigarette seemed appropriate, but I was able to dismiss them fairly quickly with the justification of my physical misery. However, on Day 4, the physical symptoms are starting to disappear, so what aided my resolve is no longer in my way of the mental craving. Uh oh. This is what makes me nervous. I don't want to have a cigarette just because I've started to feel better. It's funny, but feeling better is almost decent enough justification to feel worse again. Wellllll, this is clearly a contradiction, and I'd rather feel better altogether (although it will be a somewhat new feeling), so I'll need to heighten my resolve by introducing new reasons to feel good! One of them is being able to keep my breath at the gym, which I have recently joined. This is important, since I plan to look ridiculously good looking in my wedding dress in September!

So please, keep me in your thoughts. Please send good vibes through the air that I may continually choose fresh air instead of the old, stale alternative. 

And for those of you waiting for my review/thoughts on Sachsenhausen, please be patient. After my experience there on Wednesday, I still need time to process. What I will eventually share with you was so powerful for me, so I hope you will consider it worth the wait.

Schönes Wochenende! (Have a great weekend!)


 

The List. Part One.

Last time I wrote (my apologies), I mentioned I'd be making a list of things to do for myself in Berlin. And then, 8 days went by and no such list was produced.

So I'm back to redeem myself. I'm here to proclaim to you the things that I am going to do/see/experience while I am living in Berlin, or Europe at large. Some of these things that I am about to mention are already in the plans to be executed; some are wishes without plans; some are barely hopes that I have truly yet to get my head around. But it will be my goal to complete these tasks and cross them off my list, one by one. So here we go:

-Quit smoking. Although I'm in Europe and EVERYONE smokes, I've been smoking a half a pack a day, on and off, for seven years now. Uhh, I'm pretty young. That's a long time. I'm done.
-See the city from the top of the Fernsehturm (TV tower) in Alexanderplatz.
-Visit the Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp. I'm actually doing this tomorrow, so expect a report sooner rather than later.
-Learn how to play the guitar, for real. Knowing the chords to "MMMBop" doesn't count.
-Join a gym in Berlin and hop to it!
-Go see a band that I really want to see. 
-Go see a band that I know nothing about.
-Travel to Italy! (I'm doing this...next week! Details soon).

Here's the deal. This is only Part One of The List. I will be adding to it, but not too soon. I have plenty to accomplish first. And I have no intention of turning this into a strictly, "Oh, I'm helping myself DO something" type blog, but right now, I need to focus my attention on enjoying myself and having purpose. Don't pretend like you've never been there.


I am going to own you, Berlin.
 

All this time...to spend on ME!

Hello family and friends. Hope you all had a lovely weekend! 

This weekend, we celebrated a new friend's birthday. Steve and Monica (my Ladies Who Lunch friend) had a good group of people over for Steve's 30th on Saturday. They invited people over that Steve knows from his company, as well as a lot of friends they've met courtesy of Toytown Germany, an online forum for English speakers in Germany. It's actually a very cool resource, and that's how Monica and I met at what I call the LWL group--it's a group that got its start on Toytown for accompanying spouses of men or women who work/study here in Berlin. Also, because Monica and Steve have gone to other Toytown meetups, they've coincidentally met other guys from Jack's beer program, so a couple of them also came on Saturday night! It's a small (English speaking) world, huh? 

So not only did we have a fun weekend, but at the end of last week, Jack brought home a webcam with a microphone so we are officially on Skype! If anyone wants to Skype, send me your name and we can chat. Woooooooo! You'd think we would have done this earlier, but uh, well, okay no excuses. But it's awesome...so awesome in fact, that I spent about 4.5 hours talking to my mom this weekend! We even got to see Athena as well, and goddamm, I miss that silly dog. It was really cute--when she walked into my parent's office and heard my voice, she got as close to the computer as she could and cocked her little head to the side when I responded to my mom. I don't want to torture her, but at least I know that she still recognizes the sound of my Athena-directed cooing. 

But anyway, during those 4.5 hours this weekend, my mom and I had really good talks about the state of my affairs here...like, I feel stuck. My life feels like it's on hold. I don't know what I want to do with my future. You know what I mean, right? Wah wah. Well, she reminded me of something very true (and also, in the midst of over-thinking everything, something I'd overlooked): I may never have this much free time EVER again. Seriously! I can dedicate this time to making some changes for myself, to seeing the sights, to learning something new, to anything! And she is totally right. To top it all off, she suggested for me to "steep yourself like a teabag in the culture around you." Aptly put, Momma, aptly put.

So, in the next couple days, I will be compiling a List, yes, a big ol' fat list of things I'd like to do/see/accomplish/experience while I am here. And I will share this list with you, oh beloved friends and family, as well as describe each item as I check them off this List. Not only do I deserve to be good to myself, I plan to have fun while doing it! 

Oh Happy Day! / Heartbreak of the Day

Well, that was quick...I have a visa!!!

Lesson learned, folks: if I ever need to live in Germany again (and therefore need to pacify the immigration office), I will either be
1) married;
2) already under contract for employment in Germany;
or 3) signed up to study something somewhere within the country's borders.

No messin' around. By becoming a student, I clearly became what they wanted...one more person willing to learn their ridiculously difficult language that no one needs to know anymore! But instead of cursing myself for taking German from 6th to 10th grade and then again in college, I will just be grateful that I'm not beginning in German, but rather improving my skills. Hey, maybe by the time we come back home, I'll be at the level necessary to study in a German university! What's that you say? Pointless? Yeaahhhh, I know. But hey! You never know. What makes me the happiest, of course, is that I get to stay here with the love of my life and support him in his decision to become a brewer. If I didn't do what I needed to stay here with Jack, I'm not sure I'd ever forgive myself--not because I'd be a horrible person, but because I know I'd always regret it.

In other news, I've made a fairly distressing observation: many homeless people around Berlin seem to be using dogs as bait for money. I've seen this at home, but not to the extent I have here. Now, I know this may seem a little controversial, but let me explain. 

At home, in Chicago, there were a couple different kinds of street people you might run into--the guy asking for change in the same spot on the same corner next to the same coffee shop you run into every day before work who might actually have a place to go home to; the worn-down, sun-spotted veteran asking for change at the highway off-ramp where underneath he most likely seeks shelter; or the more-than-likely mentally ill homeless person, pushing a cart full of garbage, muttering to herself. But here, in Berlin, you don't see a lot of older, ragged homeless people who clearly need psychiatric intervention or shelter. What one can readily observe is the presence of street kids--people anywhere from their late teens to late twenties, pierced and tough-looking, yet broken and lost--who often sit out in groups in public places, drinking (or doing drugs) and sometimes in a quite confrontational way, ask you for your change. When they don't feel like getting up to ask you for coin, they'll hang out on the ground. Many of them camp out on the street with dogs in tow. 


What is most dismaying about a scene with a dog (or more than one) is that usually, the dogs look more sad than the wasted youth do. These dogs stare at you more longingly than I've ever seen Athena (as pathetic as she may be!) look when she wants your love and attention. There is nothing better--or worse--to describe these dogs than heartbreaking. It's as if their eyes are saying, "Won't you take me with you? Can you give me a better life?" 

Although dogs make great companions, as I'm sure they do to these kids, dogs are also dependent on people for their livelihood. And as these kids go, I'm not sure that any of them are fit to provide the conditions a dog would need to survive and thrive, especially while living in the squalid, unstable conditions of homelessness.


I have so many questions about this particular condition. First of all, where did all these young people come from? What are their stories? Do they want to live on the street? If not, why won't they at least admit defeat to give their pets a better life? And if they choose this street life, why doesn't the public react? Isn't there some kind of anti-cruelty society or animal care and control that can pick up these dogs and place them with adoptive families? Why, Berlin, do you let this continue?  

As a responsible and caring (new) citizen, what do you do?

 

Complete and wholehearted devotion.

Football has been a common theme in this blog thus far (and a theme that may bore some of you), but it has been one subject that has kept me tied--dedicated--to my American-ness. Europe is alluring, people. It's a different world. Although I don't particularly like Germans (meh), there are some things about Germany and European culture/lifestyle that truly appeal to me. Now hear me out: we are not necessarily headed for expat-dom. See, because I am SO American, in both heart and mind, I am consciously engaged in the fight against never coming home. Enter: The Superbowl.

Why on Earth would I truly give two craps about the Superbowl? you might be thinking. After all, I am a rabid Bears fan. If I could have traded knees with Jay Cutler 2 weeks ago, I would have. Perhaps most demonstrably, I recognized a Packers fan from Belushi's two weeks ago at a restaurant this weekend, and after re-introducing myself, he says, "Oh yeah. I remember you. You were belligerent!" 

I wanted to watch the Superbowl. I wanted to see the commercials (which, coincidentally, didn't happen on "ESPN America"), I wanted to root against Roethlisberger (let's end "supposed" acts of sexual violence against women, people!), I wanted the Packers to win so I could justify that the Bears lost to the best team in football this year, and hell, I just wanted to listen to sports IN A LANGUAGE I COMPLETELY COMPREHEND. 

So I did. I happily held my hand over my heart during the Star Spangled Banner. I sang along to Keith Urban's performance of "Somebody Like You." I even hesitantly shouted, "Go Pack Go!" for perhaps the first (and ONLY) time in my life. I cheered when the Packers caught the interception that ended the game. And I felt bittersweet when the Pack finally won, only truly happy that my Bears were outmatched by the Superbowl Champs, which of course is a sad justification, but a justification nonetheless. And then we went home...at 4:30am. I told you--dedication.

It felt like home. And that, my friends, needs no justification whatsoever. 

Studying German; or, How I bribed the immigration office.

A little timeline for your enjoyment.

Friday: Katie and Jack submit all necessary papers to immigration office for visa extension.
Monday: Katie is immediately rejected.
Monday evening-Wednesday morning: Katie ponders the meaning of life. 
Wednesday afternoon: Katie signs up for 12 weeks' worth of German lessons, 20 hours of instruction per week.
Thursday: With confirmation of studies submitted, immigration office reconsiders Katie's worth.

Harumph.